ASSiNine News from The Blue Donkey

ASSiNine News

Stowe, VT.

The Blue Donkey – 1/30/2018

Breaking News In a completely unsubstantiated report and based on a survey pool of 3 people, it was discovered that Hamburgers and Fries are actually good for your health. It does not even matter what the portion sizes are, or the sourcing of the meat, or the potatoes, or how they are prepared. All that matters is that you have hamburgers and fries every day, or at least 4 times a week. The Study showed marked health improvements and increased mental capacity for all those involved. The results were so astonishing that, Hamburgers and Fries were upgraded immediately and pronounced Super- Foods by the Vermont Society of Organic Alternative Facts, V.S.O.A.F.
Fill Night, a local scientist and food researcher at the V.S.O.A.F. reported from his office, that he has been conducting in depth research on his Burger and Fries Project by feeding random samplings to his dog, Potus. He reports that the dog has responded amazingly by demonstrating occasional moments of clarity, a new found enthusiasm for creative accounting and playing 3 dimensional chess , all while showing signs of renewed hair growth, for a thicker, heartier coat. Sadly, though the dog has had trouble reading from a teleprompter and tends to slur his barks. “A minor downside, for a major upside, tho said, FIll Night. We are going to keep the project going and start testing on my cat Pence, straight away”.
The Burger and Fries Project immediately won accolades from Darkbart, a prominent News Source and large crowd-source funding from a new online service called Dum-ass.

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